the giver of gifts has been revealed....

it was scott. the flowers i so beautifully and proudly put in my window. the note that was so mysterious. it was all scott. the man who broke my heart by betraying me. the man who allowed himself and his new mistress to be caught in my bed. the man i moved across an ocean to avoid. he found me. and he got to me. i thought it had been someone else.

he showed up at my door today. since i knew he had flown such a far way to see me, i held the door open only for a moment before slapping him and slamming the door in his face. he rang it for quite some time before leaving. there was a note though. it said the gifts had been from him and he was sorry and he missed me and he loved me and blah blah blah. i didn't even finish reading it. it was torn to pieces by the third sentence. 

i absolutely was not expecting that. i think it has thrown me for more of a loop than i ever thought was possible. i refused to cry. so instead i drank. probably not the best choice. but it did the trick. i drank and i put on my favorite mix on my ipod and i danced. naked in my living room. and sang. until my throat hurt. it made me feel alive again. it made me love the choices i made. i hadn't even given him the chance to say a single word to me. i won.

i know he will come back. it isn't like him to give up. not his style. the musician has asked me to come with him on tour for a while. i think i might take him up on that. maybe for a week. it will be the perfect escape. might even be a little bit fun. but honestly, i don't think anything could beat dancing naked in the moonlight in my living room....

without a doubt, i have been slacking....

i have taken it upon myself to put myself together again. i have been out of it for a while, listlessly doing absolutely nothing with my time but lazing around and on occasion having tea with sadie. this week marks the anniversary of my mother's death. 

as always, i find this time of year to be somewhat devastating to my lifestyle. i cannot focus on much, always day dreaming and creating my version of what my life would be like if she was still alive. it makes me incredibly sad, but i find this sadness to be comforting as i normally do not allow myself the ability to think about her too much in detail. i think that because i am so far away from home this time, it has hit me worse. 

but now my weak of remembrance is over and it is time to jump on board the reality train once more. i am sure the way that i deal with my grief, only one week a year, if what a professional might refer to as 'overwhelmingly unhealthy'. but it works for me. and i really like the saying 'if it isn't broken, don't fix it'. one day someone is going to have to do a great deal of fixing. but until then.....

my musician is returning to town again next week. i am quite looking forward to this. i am slowly growing more and more attached to him. physically, he is not exactly my type. a little rough around the edges for my taste. but emotionally, he is a sweetheart. already i can tell that his mother spent a lot of time with him. i think even though i am scared to death of someone invading my space, this can work for a while. he is out of town most of the time, so when i do see him, it is like a little treat. and let me be the first to tell you, i REALLY like my treats.....

A desire for more....

It is about that time again. Time to sit down and re-evaluate my life. I have the overwhelming urge to do this about once a month, just to make sure that I stay on track. So I did. Perhaps choosing to include a bottle of wine in the event was perhaps not the greatest idea ever, but there is no point in regrets. This is how it all went down...

I decided to spend yesterday afternoon looking at what I really had done in the last month with my life. I have always been a firm believer that if you aren't progressing as a person, then you are simply taking up space that could be better utilized by someone else. Rather harsh, but I am entitled to my own thoughts. So I made a list:

I have completed a presentable first two chapters of my novel

I have made my home a little more livable

I have brought joy to someone's life (I made Sadie a pie)

I have brought joy to my life (I saw the musician again)

That was about it. I decided that it was adequate, not outrageously impressive, but I would take it. Then I proceeded to finish the bottle of wine and dance around my house. (That brought joy to my life as well)

Without these monthly checks, I feel as though I slip. I let myself slip for a very long time and that ended in a complete disaster of a situation that I ended up having very little control over. I regained my control by leaving London and moving here. It turns out that that really was one of the best choices I could have made. Now about this musician, I hope a great deal that I begin to see more and more of him. He doesn't live here, but knows people here so if frequently in town when not on tour. I'm going to be a girl for a moment....please excuse me without judgement. I absolutely adore him. He is cute and sweet and knows just what to say to make me blush. Ahh! All right, I'm done. Damn the phone....

A gesture of love...

Valentines day is generally a pretty happy time for me. In the past Scott was always there to make sure I knew that I was loved. This year he is loving someone else and I am alone. Not a very happy time anymore.

Bryce brought me flowers. It was really sweet. They were quite nice. Roses. Not really my style, but appreciated all the same. They replaced the dying ones in the window. Still never did figure out who those were from. 

I am seeing my musician lover tonight. The date isn't particularly important. We didn't plan to make valentines day important, it just turned out this was the only night he was available. Secretly I am very excited. I greatly enjoyed his company the last time I saw him. We are going for dinner at a tiny little place downtown. I have never been there, but I have heard it was great. I hope that I find this man to be intriguing. I am over men who have nothing to talk about but themselves. Usually because when they talk about themselves, what they have to say is dull. 

Sadie is going out tonight as well. She won't tell me with whom. I am starting to notice that she is a little mysterious. She is generally quite vague with details and leaves a great deal to the imagination. I am going to find out who she is going out with tonight. One way or another...

A note from a novel....

Anastasia looked at her teary face in the mirror. He had done it again. He had stayed out all night and returned with no explanation, no acknowledgment that he had even disturbed her the least. Well, she had told him. Again. Just like last time. And just like she was sure to do the next time too. She wasn't sure why she put up with it, but she did. 

It was morning now, and she was getting ready for work. He didn't work, so she had to work two jobs to support the two of them. It wasn't as though he couldn't work. He was very well educated in fact, far more so than she. He simply felt that he shouldn't have to work. That was it. It angered her to know that he was daily draining her of the money that one day she would so desperately need.

She went to the bathroom to finish her makeup. Adam was there. He was putting on eye shadow. But he as drunk, so he was simply smearing blue across his eyes and cheeks. She just stared at him.

"I wanted to see things from your perspective." 

She found it impossible to be mad anymore. Adam looked so pathetic, so sad, trying to hard to be like her at this moment. Her laughter rang out in the room and he knew he had her hooked for at least one more go-around.

Not without my sister....

Today I took a walk to clear my head of the madness that is currently Adam and Anastasia's life. I wandered and wandered until I came upon a park. There were two little girls playing on the swings with their mom watching close by. I have not spent a great deal of time with children so I decided to sit in the park for a while and observe. You may expect that I have a cute tale to tell, or an observation that I had never experienced before, but no. Nothing. They played. It was cute, until one started pushing the other, and then there was the screaming and the scolding from the clearly agitated mother. I left the park feeling a little sad that I did not have a sister myself to torment as a child. 

I have not received anything in the mail or by courier today. I find this somewhat disappointing. My flowers are still looking very happy in the window and Sadie commented on their rarity. Apparently she used to work in a flower store. Is there nothing that woman hasn't done?

Construction has begun on my kitchen. It appears as though it is going to be takeout for the next month. I spoke to my father yesterday and he suggested a trip home for a while until my kitchen is complete. I thanked him for the offer, but declined. My writing is actually going quite well now. Adam has introduced drugs into the relationship and Anastasia is just beginning to feel her way around whether or not she wants to do them herself. As a character, I am finding her to be the most intriguing woman I have ever written about....

An opinion about flowers....

Today I received flowers. I put them in the window. Just like in the song. I actually sang the song as I put them in a vase and put them in front of my largest window. I sat and looked at them for quite a while. Not because I had too much time on my hands, or too much wine to drink in the afternoon, but because I felt they deserved the attention. For some reason I have become stuck on the idea that everyday objects really must start being more appreciated then they have been. If I had to take a guess at this newfound outlook I would say it is incredibly self-reflexive; I felt like Scott didn't look at all the value that I had within me. Whatever. So I spent some time looking at the flowers. They were quite pretty. I wish that my talents lay in being able to capture the image of the way the petals dipped ever so slightly and intertwined with each other. I took a picture. Apparently it lasts longer.

The mystery of my note received yesterday is ever more disconcerting now that I have also received these mystery flowers. Again, the note was not signed. It simply said 'For Penny'. Who knows, maybe it is Mr. B R Fritters sending me flowers to make my imagination soar and come up with some new ideas for my novel. They sure are pretty though. And it made me feel really happy that someone out there spent time picking out these amazing flowers for me to enjoy. This is exactly what I am needing now as I was starting to feel remarkable alone in the past few days....

A letter of romantic proportions...

Today I received a letter in the mail. Now this caught me a bit off-guard because I do not get very much mail, and it was a letter. I do not think that I have ever received a personal letter in the mail. Email sure. So you can imagine my interest in the letter. I had it ripped open before I could even close my door.

Inside I found a simple note. It was not signed by anyone and was very brief. "Your beauty moves through the trees and found me alone." Odd. Very odd. But sweet. I have no idea who it could be from. My first assumption is the musician that I met a few weeks ago, but that seems like a stretch as I have not heard from him since. My next thought is to my ex. I am not sure what to do with the letter. If it is from anyone other than my ex, I would like to keep it. If it is from him, I would like to burn it. It currently resides on my fridge. It makes me smile to think that I have an admirer. 

Mr. Boyd R Fritters has informed me that he is due for another visit soon to 'check up' on me. I plan to impress him this time with my novel. I honestly feel that it is moving in a very exciting direction. I am sure he will inform me otherwise. I wonder if I should take a trip out of town that weekend....

Have you ever....

Eaten a grapefruit with syrup? Or turned all of your pictures upside down? Perhaps even eaten nothing but bread for an entire day? Me neither, but these might be interesting things to try. You know, to change things up a bit.

I met with Sadie today for lunch. I had not seen her in a while and was beginning to miss our time together. We ate at a very cute little bistro downtown. It was later in the day so we managed to miss the lunch rush, which was very refreshing.

She had once purposed the idea of me donating my fully restored house to a foundation to use as an office, or a home for the less fortunate. At first I thought this idea was lacking in any forethought. Seriously, who would be willing to spend time and energy to make something new just to give it away. At the time, it was beyond me. But I think that the more time I spend with Sadie, the more her caring ways are beginning to rub off on me. I am actually considering giving my house away when it is completed. I don't know to whom or for what purpose, but it is in the back of my thoughts.

Sadie is the kind of person that I could spend hours talking to and still have a great deal to say. She is very opinionated and freely speaks her mind. It can be somewhat abrupt at times, but refreshing to say the least. I never feel as though I am hearing one thing but being presented with another. This is what I find most challenging in people these days. No one is capable of saying what they actually mean. It is as if they are afraid to hear the truth spoken aloud. I wish more people where like Sadie. The world would be a very different place...

My mother was here....

Last night at exactly midnight I awoke to find a shawdow above my bed. At first I assumed I was sleeping, and there is a good chance I might have been, but I felt more awake than I had in a very long time. The figure just stood there. Staring. Breathing. As I began to awaken more, I had the immediate sense that it was my mother. Now you must understand that I haven't seen my mother in years. So for her to appear to me now, like this, was a very delightful event for myself. The figure sat on the side of my bed and did nothing. Said nothing. Just sat. Becoming far more aware of my surroundings now, I sat up. She was gone. 

It was a dream you say, and if someone had told me this I am sure I would replay in like. But something changed for me last night. I felt as though a new calm has come over me. I am not sure why, but I am more relaxed than I have been in years. I feel settled, as if everything that was meant to be is happening right at this moment. 

I fell back asleep and had two of the most terrifying, horrific dreams I have ever had in my life. 

Feeling my mother in my room made me miss her. I would like to recall one of my most favorable memories of her to you.

When I was younger we lived in a home that had a very large yard in the back. My mother loved to suntan and was constantly stretched on a lounger by our pool. I was about eight at the time and I had become a fan of imitating everything my mother did, so I too spent a great deal of time by our pool. My mother was so beautiful; she had long brown hair that glistened in the sun under her wide-brimmed white sun hat, her skin was always soft and smelled of coconut. Almost everyday that summer we sat side by side on our loungers just baking in the sun. She would bring iced tea and sandwiches out at noon, and a large bowl of salted rippled chips at about 2 o'clock. It was just me and her all summer. She would read me her book and I would lay beside her and stare up at the clouds, imagining the world how it was in her novel. It was beautiful.

I miss her. 

i had a dream....

I awoke to find that I was no longer in my bed. I found myself instead lying in a field under the stars. Startled, but feeling an awkward safeness, I slowly lifted my head to absorb the surroundings. It was clearly a mountainous regions as I was surrounded by giants rocks of black and silver. I realized I was alone, but there was movement all around me. I attempted to move my body and found that it was bound. Immediately I started to panic. I attempted to move to one side and found that I couldn't. Startled by my fear I began to yell. I yelled and yelled, until my voice was hoarse. Then I cried. I felt entirely helpless. I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, I was in the sky. I was falling, slowly, then faster. As I hit the ground I knew what I would be fine. 

I have decided to once again retreat into my loneliness. Nothing is pleasing me lately. The colors of the walls are horrid, my writing is a disaster, and I received an email today from Boyd R Fritters that said he would be here in a few days. I have always felt that I was destined to do many great things. But all I find myself doing is sitting around this house, feeling as if the world is passing me by. I am sure this feeling will pass soon, but perhaps I should seize this opportunity to try something new. Explore a new continent. Drive really fast. Jump out of a plane. 

I think I will have to muddle this all over with a bottle of wine tonight. I can only imagine that that will bring what I should really do to the surface...