A eureka moment....

if i am incapable of breakine up with someone that i am attracted to then in the relationships that matter the most to me, i will always be the dumpee. it doesn't matter what i do, there will always be a reason. from something as disloyal as cheating all the way down to giving someonthing away then taking it back. i am very proud to say though that my reasons for being a dumpee are very low on the 'will-matter-in-a-year' scale. good job to me.

although technically i have not been dumped.

there is yet to be a face to face discussion and to be perfectly honest, it is not something i am looking forward to. there is not enough kleenex in my house.

i am proud to say that so far i have handled this heart ache with nothing but class. no desperate drunk calls at 2am, no pleading texts begging to talk. only a cold sore from chain smoking. not too bad. i would have to say i have improved emmensly from the last one. i might even be starting to get a hang of this.

day 1

day one sucks.

nothing from him. i think i pushed it way too far yesterday but how was i to know that it would turn out this way. i just wanted some re-assurance and instead i got told off and anger. which kind of seems remarkably unfair. how can i be expected to read someone's mind? i guess i can be a bit of a handful, but there are fun rewards for sticking it out. it upsets me that when it comes to men i am all over the place. girls, no problem. but my insecurities come shining through at what can be the worst times apparently. i feel sad because i am hung over. i feel alone and lonely though i have no real reason to. i feel like i failed. at something that wasn't even that great to begin with. i have been pushed away for the last few months. this is probably a good thing in the long run. i over analyze everything way too much. this needs to change. i need to relax and just let things happen instead of trying to control them. i am a control freak. maybe i need a support group. there will be more. many more i am afraid. which makes me sad but a little excited too. the opportunities are in fact endless and i should focus more on this i suppose. a door was silently closed without me being able to see this happening and perhaps there is a window opening that i have yet to see. i think the worst part is that i could have ended it and should have ended it and honestly that was what i was trying to do yesterday. when the message was being written i knew that it was going to end things and in fact it did.

yesterday i felt free and happy. today i feel sad and lonely.

day 1 sucks. i'm guessing it won't get much better until day seven. i can look forward to that at least.

it has been a while...

i have been busy. i would like to say i have been productive, but that is simply not the case. i have decided to come up with a new idea for a novel. hence, i have been spending a great deal of time alone. thinking. thinking. and more thinking.
perhaps not enough dating....
the musician has been busy. he has his own career to attend to. which in all fairness i completely respect. he wouldn't be much of a musician if he stopped making music.
i will try another poem just for you. this one is inspired by what is in front of me right now. ....


alone, it sits
afraid by what is to come with the dawn
the career it has chosen is failing
communication is ceasing
it feels the sorrow of the soul
who possesses it.
so many possibilities
limitless opportunities
to unite, to destroy, to complete.

i call it 'ode to my blackberry whose messenger does not want to work properly'

i need to get out more. clearly...

About to be shoved in a corner and forgotten about....

my creator is leaving me. she has decided it is time to move on. apparently my story is finished. as if she would actually know that. so i have decided to say f her and use this blog space that no one actually reads as a means to practice my art. so anything that may or may not be read from this point on should be seen as fiction. my fiction. nothing more. nothing less. i need a mentor and no one is coming to my rescue. so i will rescue myself....
i started to read a book of short stories. i found it incredibly remarkable. the stories lacked a great deal of exposition. i suppose that is what makes a story a story not a novel. i wonder if i am capable of writing this way. the biggest problem when i write is that i feel the need to explain too much to the audience. there. see? i'm already theraputing myself. "you need to let the audience figure some things out for themselves. do you enjoy watching a play where all the answers are given to you? no. no you don't" lesson one is over and it didn't cost me a thing. what a concept. i will now write a super short story, perhaps a poem if given correct spacing - with no exposition....its called 'the nearly empty glass of water'


Innocent, it stands on the small table not realizing its purpose. Cold, alone, deserted. Placed there by a familier voice, but forgotten. The company it keeps is perhaps a little less than desirable - a red phone, a blue lighter, a book on graphics. The bed it keeps is a simple face, mutated by the artist who chose the pattern. It sits for hours while the world passes by without a single thought to its existance. Today it is still, tomorrow it will be water for the plant.

oh really....

i think you have forgotten about me and i am not too pleased with that. tonight you gave me some attention and tomorow you promise me a great time and amazing company. i would really like to see you deliver. don't make me jump out of the page and slap you. show me brilliance...

i am feeling a little drunk with power....

have you ever written a story? if you have then you will know a sliver of how i am feeling right now. my novel is far too empowering for my own good i am starting to think. some of what i am writing has quickly become enveloped in my reality. it is a little creepy to say the least. 

i would like to explain the last chunk to you, but i don't know if i can so i will move on.

the musician is gone once more. a little more sad than the last time. i think that he is growing on me in a very flattering way.

sadie has been brightening my afternoons with a fun project. basically we drink a bottle of wine and be creative. there has been paintings, and poetry, and even a few clay models which do not look anything like well, anything. 

she introduced me to her cousin sasha. that girl is just as much fun as sadie. she came over last week during one of our creative afternoons and brought a lot to the table. i hope to see more of her soon.

i have started noticing something a little odd around my house. and i think i have bryce to thank for it. he has started leaving little chocolate kisses randomly everywhere. i have to admit it is very sweet. i am not sure if he is aware that the musician is in the picture. maybe he doesn't care. either way, i am getting my fill of sweets.

the rooms on the second level are finished. hurray! work has now begun in the kitchen. i just can't imagine a better person than bryce to be working on my house. he puts so much love and attention into every detail. my mother would be very happy....

a little romance in the spring time....

i am officially in love. with love. 

my musician has once more come and gone. which is perhaps why i have been slacking with my writing. mr. fritters is going to be angry with me. i can already feel his disappointment piercing me through the air from miles and miles away. but i don't care. not at this moment anyways.

i am sitting in my living room watching the cars drive by. but when i turn the other way what do i see you ask? why it is an entire living room full of white roses. on the desk, on the table, on the chairs, on the bookshelves, on the floor. last night there were candles too. it was by far the most romantic night of my entire life. i have to hand it to the musician, he sure knows how to impress a girl.

there was a song written for me, followed by my favorite dinner, and then the flowers and candles and, well, everything else that goes along with it. 

it was so good, i can't help but be myself and wonder why. one would think that knowing he did this for me just because he has fallen for me would be enough. but unfortunately thanks to dear scott, i can no longer just accept a night like this one without wondering if he is compansating for something that would hurt me. i hate that. it is killing me today that i am thinking that way. damn scott. he still gets to me and i think that is the saddest part of the whole situation. 

i hope it wont always be this way...