day 1

day one sucks.

nothing from him. i think i pushed it way too far yesterday but how was i to know that it would turn out this way. i just wanted some re-assurance and instead i got told off and anger. which kind of seems remarkably unfair. how can i be expected to read someone's mind? i guess i can be a bit of a handful, but there are fun rewards for sticking it out. it upsets me that when it comes to men i am all over the place. girls, no problem. but my insecurities come shining through at what can be the worst times apparently. i feel sad because i am hung over. i feel alone and lonely though i have no real reason to. i feel like i failed. at something that wasn't even that great to begin with. i have been pushed away for the last few months. this is probably a good thing in the long run. i over analyze everything way too much. this needs to change. i need to relax and just let things happen instead of trying to control them. i am a control freak. maybe i need a support group. there will be more. many more i am afraid. which makes me sad but a little excited too. the opportunities are in fact endless and i should focus more on this i suppose. a door was silently closed without me being able to see this happening and perhaps there is a window opening that i have yet to see. i think the worst part is that i could have ended it and should have ended it and honestly that was what i was trying to do yesterday. when the message was being written i knew that it was going to end things and in fact it did.

yesterday i felt free and happy. today i feel sad and lonely.

day 1 sucks. i'm guessing it won't get much better until day seven. i can look forward to that at least.